News of the World

Anybody else out there subscribe to the Harper's Weekly Review e-newsletter? In case you were wondering, here's a small sampling of the kind of stuff you can get sent directly to your in-box every Tuesday:

Arctic ice was found to be melting about ten times faster than in previous years, leaving the Northwest Passage conveniently ice-free. Leftists in Mexico sabotaged oil pipelines for the third time in three months, and tech workers in Seattle threw a luau in Gas Works Park, despite toxic blobs oozing out of the ground nearby. "I'm not afraid of it," said Tim Chovanak, who works for Safeco. "Just don't eat the dirt." ... Pine beetles infested Georgia, webworms infested Maine, and crypto parasites infested swimming pools in Idaho. Foot-and-mouth disease resurfaced in Surrey, England, and a major outbreak of ebola killed more than 150 people in Congo. Scientists predicted that ebola would also kill the last remaining western lowland gorillas. Near Grand Forks, North Dakota, at least 1,600 catfish died of unknown causes, ruining the fishing season, and evening
traffic slowed in Santa Barbara, California, as commuters watched the carcass of a 70-foot blue whale drift south along the highway.

Cheery, ain't it?