Since leaving the military four years ago, just setting foot outside my front door has been a daily struggle. I would only venture out late at night, when I felt safer (ironically, since I live in New York City) because there were fewer people out on the street. PTSD held me in its grip, resulting in a cycle of self-isolation, depression, and anxiety. I built up a Wall around me, larger than life itself, and my friends, my family, my whole life now lived on the other side of it. I couldn't even see the top.
The Wall quickly drove me deeper into depression. The worst part: It happened without me even noticing. A small spark inside managed to survive and helped me realize that I wanted to live my life, not just exist through the days. With the help of my therapists’ team, attending groups and an intensive PTSD program, I began to scale that Wall. I learned effective tools and accessed resources to help me, including the Sierra Club Military Outdoors program that has become an essential part of managing my mental health today.
This past year of going on outings with the female veterans outing group has made a world of difference for me. Saying “yes” to new experiences with new people has brought me to a place I never thought I’d reach. A place where I feel more open and safer than I’ve been in forever. Trust is a biggie for me, yet it’s becoming easier with my Sierra Club family. I want to do new things. I want to connect with others. I feel emotionally safe, part of a community who accept me just the way I am. I’m feeling more and more like myself, determined not to let depression win!
Being in nature with the Sierra Club has helped me to let go of feeling that a situation must turn out a certain way or I’ll be upset and anxious. I can just let things be the way they are. Nature accepts me as I am, and I can accept nature just as it is. For me, going outside really means going “without” -- without the struggle, without all the things that weigh me down. Although I see many of the members of the female veterans group at the Veterans Administration office, being in nature together just opens us up to each other in a whole new way.
Rock climbing in the Adirondacks last year was a breakthrough for me. Although I found it physically and mentally challenging, I told myself once I hit the Wall there was no going back. Metaphorically rock climbing gave me the chance and courage to move beyond the Wall and to be open to something new: my reinvented self. I learned a vital life lesson when two little granddaughters of one of the women in the group said “I want to get down please” when they didn’t want to climb any higher. Those simple words made me feel that I had been given permission for the first time in my life to say “No, I’ve had enough, I don’t want to do that…” Saying yes to life taught me how to say no to the Wall.
Every veteran deserves the same support and access to healing in the outdoors that I’ve been so lucky to receive. That’s why I’m working to pass the Accelerating Veterans Recovery Outdoors Act, currently making its way through Congress, which would establish an interagency task force to study and make recommendations on how to use public lands to support medical therapy for veterans. And here in my home state of New York, the Outdoor Rx bill would require the state division of veterans’ services to examine the known benefits of exposure to the outdoors, the effects of outdoor therapeutic programs, and to eliminate barriers relating to veterans’ abilities to access state parks, lands and facilities.
If you want to support veterans like me, show your support for these important pieces of legislation today.